“With and Without Her: Twilight”

Hike 14/52 Sachuest Rhode Island. Oct. 20, 2018

I was sitting on a bench up the hill from the rocky shoreline… the sun setting, the chilly sea breeze whispering across my face and a heavy scent of sea water in the air. My daughter, the youngest, sat on my right side…

I don’t know what she was thinking about. The last time we went hiking, she was about 12 feet behind me, walking slow in deep thought. She said she was thinking about life. I half smiled, because I was thinking; like all parents of teenagers, what life?. It’s funny how the reach a certain age and suddenly “life” becomes serious. But we know better, teenage issues are no match for adult problems. Yep, and that’s why we try to prolong the process of them dealing with such things and force them to enjoy living. Anyway, dear reader, I was in deep thought that day. My daughter wanted to go back to the Rhode Island trail since the Spring. I had planned to hike up in Hudson County but hurt my knee, which was swollen and in pain, during a staff meeting. Can you believe that?! I moved my chair to let someone pass by and banged my knee into the corner of the desk. Yes, OUCH! and these 55 year old arthritic knees don’t bounce back from injuries like they use to. So, I was hesitant about putting stress on them. It was a good choice to do a lower Impact and low grade hike. It was also a chance to just relax although I wasn’t, because we there rather late. The office was closed, so no bathroom run before hitting the trail. This time I wasn’t the one that needed to go. So we kind of rushed through as we were fighting against the loss of day light. The sun was now setting. Like my life….

Hike 14/52 Sachuest Rhode Island. Oct. 20, 2018

So… we set on the beach staring out at the wavy sea water. My daughter sitting where her mother often sat. It was then that my mind drifted out like the waves underneath the yellow glow of the setting sun…

It’s like the sun, a quick thought wiz by. Our life together, our marriage…the sun of my marriage has set. As I have written many times, my wife and I loved being by or on the water. This was a fitting spot to experience both her presence in mind and her loss in heart. Even an augment… I thought as I stared at the picture preparing to write this. No, no one wants the pounding heart beat or echoing loud angry words that fly through the air during an augment. No one wants to come humbly to the other and ask for forgiveness. Though we all love making up afterwards. No, no one wants the stress of “What did I say…?” But we, I, wanted her presence in the room, on the bench, in that moment. Feeling her head resting heavily on my shoulder(why do woman do that?). Feeling her locs, scratchy, against my face. Her arm wrapped around mine… making me uncomfortable, because Sharol was tall. We were nearly the same height, her shoulders slightly higher than mine. It was always an odd struggle to fit together. I was used to short girls growing up. So we always held hands or standing together, my arms around her full waist and her head on my chest. That meant her scrunching down,Lol. Hey, we made it work for 19 years! So you see, she was sorely missed during that sunset. She wrote to me once, concerning her operation: “I feel confident that God will awaken me to you and if He doesn’t I will see you one day again. But I am sure that no matter what you’ll always feel my love with you” Unfortunately this was proven to be true.

The child that now sat next to me, who once was a tiny baby I held and whose eyes first saw me, is a constant reminder of her love. I didn’t want more children I already had two. But shortly before we were married, I dreamed of a son. Soon after God warmed my heart to the idea. After the baby’s birth and a few years later we thought of another child. We tried for over a year and after being discouraged, we were blessed with a baby girl. But I’ve told that story before…

Hike 14/52 Sachuest Rhode Island. Oct. 20, 2018(rocky shoreline)

We left the sunset bench behind us and continued on the trail. The temperature was dropping, my daughter needed a rest room and I was anxious to get back to the spot where I stacked a small pile of memorial stones for my late wife; on the coastline. We walk and walk and every so often I’d look over the hill at the shore to see if we were there. The entire 3+ hour’s ride up, I was frustrated that I couldn’t find a Sharpie anywhere. When I started the 52 Hike Challenge in April, I planned to place a stone at each summit with her name on it as though she hiked with me. Sadly the marker I had dried up. The last time I was able to do it was on my solo hike.

Hunters Island. Solo hike 10/52 Aug. 26, 2018

I chose a spot at the opening of the woods, just a few yards away from the river’s edge because I couldn’t get close enough. There wasn’t a high peak and I thought it was a beautiful place for the stone. I started to write her name and I only got out Sha before the marker started to die. I rubbed and rubbed until I got the name out. It was done when I wrote the date…

Finally! We found the right spot! I creeped down the side of the cliff, trying not to trip on the giant rocks. I made it down to the stone beach and started my search. I found my pile or what was left of it. At least the base stone was still there. I turned to my daughter not realizing she never came down. So I looked for another stone that resembled my original top stone. Woo hoo, I found one! Set it up on a bolder, then snapped a photo! I bent down to set my angle… Oh snap! I thought. The moon was out… and in my shot! The next thought was Twilight.

Hike 14/52 Sachuest Rhode Island. Oct. 20, 2018

It was a sad feeling, a bewildered feeling, a feeling of loss and love, staring up at the stone. The moon marked the ending of the day. And for me personally, a reminder of the ending of part of life. The beginning of another. Over the past two years since my wife passed almost every TV show we watched together or I alone, has experienced death. The death of the wives! I started watching CBS’s Seal Team last year. This year, three episodes in, Jason’s wife/ex-wife died unexpectedly. And it shocked the crudd out of me! I wasn’t expecting it, there was nothing leading up to it. No tip off by the writers of the show. No sad music. Nothing! I set in my chair with my mouth hanging open… tears creeping up.. in total shock. Jason as expected, fell apart. I knew what he felt all too well. One minute you’re talking to your wife and the next, she gone. No “I love you” like in the movies. No, last look in the eyes… nothing. One scene, Jason was found by his friend and teammate; at the scene where the car crash happened. He’d been sitting for hours counting the cars going by. Even the hardest of men would not have watched with a dry eye. I did something similar. For weeks when I went out or took out the trash I’d look back before entering my apartment. I’d stare at the place where my wife laid. Sometimes for a second sometimes longer. I’d even walk down the hallway and look down the other end… as if in a movie, I could see her walking toward me again. My eyes would trace her steps, flashes of her face and the tubing and gloves the Paramedics left behind. It took a while for it to stop. Every once in a while when I see two ambulances parked I remember that night…

All of these men from Nashville, Longmire, Blue Bloods and now Seal Team(and others), now mirror my own life. I’ve watched these characters go through the twilight of their lives. After 10,15, 24 years of marriage now navigating, like myself, through a new world. One they were not prepared to walk through alone. Dealing with suddenly becoming single parents, single, widowers. Having the gteat debate about seeing another woman. The weird guilt some feel. Some ready or at least think so but have a hard time. It’s not so much about letting go as it is in some cases, it’s about how. How do you begin a relationship. For many like me, it was a less complicated time when we met our wives. Men and women were less confused about who and what they were. The awkwardness of starting a conversation. And then there’s the one I feel myself in these days. I’ve gotten pass the silence, I keep busy. I’m functioning in my loneliness. I constantly struggle with the absence of a physical touch. I’ve gotten used to the empty bed. But I’m staving for long intellectual conversation. Talking about any and everything! Talking over one another, interrupting, laughing, all of it. But things like that take a lifetime. That’s what many of the characters are dealing with. And I don’t think I have another lifetime to know someone. It’s funny but not funny, the older I get, the older women get. Many my age are jaded, some bitter and broken. The younger ones are just that, younger. They’re post internet, steeped in the segregated mindset of the political correctness dogma and so many find offence in a casted shadow. It’s not just them it’s everywhere. So, these old fashioned guys have a dilemma. So do I…

Hike 14/52 Sachuest Rhode Island. Oct. 20, 2018

The deer were moving around in the shadows like ghost. It was like children quietly talking, every so often you’d hear a twig snap or the bush move. If you turned your head fast enough you would see one dead in its tracks, staring at you. The birds of prey vanished and now the bats were circling above and the rabbits were hopping arcoss the path…

The sun had finally left the sky and It was completely pitch in the space of time it took to get from across the parking lot and start the engine. As we walked to the car I kept thinking of the moon and how I’m moving into that strange twilight of life. I’m at a good point in my life though, all but one of my kids are out of the house. Grown and with their own families. The house is quiet, no children arguing or fighting. No diapers to change, no more waking up at to a cry. No need to plan a vacation around an amusement park. Now I can do things I enjoy doing. Go where I want to go and when I want to. And if we had to buy takeout or wanted to go out for dinner, it’s less expensive and easier to buy for two people.

Like the men I mentioned, we’re in a place in life (depending on age) where we can do what we love. For those characters, it’s their job. They love what they do for a living. I, do not! So, I’m not only balancing life after loss but feeling stuck in a meaningless job. I’m enjoying my time on the road. I love hiking and camping, heck, I’m even beginning to love going to the gym. If I could make a living writing books, blog, and traveling, I’d quit my job today. But… here I’m, in this place. For some, too old for a young man’s job and too old to hire because retirement is close at hand. So, I find my solace out here in the open, with nothing but God and the sky above me, with woodland creatures running around spying on me. I find peace on the road meeting new people exchanging smiles and laughter and getting tips on equipment to use and take with us. I sit frustrated at my desk, waiting for lunch time to get out of the office and go to the gym and work out for a few minutes. I get impatient sitting at my desk everyday staring at the calendar and the clock waiting for the weekend so that I can escape. Escape the chatter from 20 different conversations, escape the noise of the city, escape the stench of my neighbor who insist on smoking in the hallway and it seeps to my apartment. Escape from the thing I call… my fake life, because out there, that’s where my real life is. Writing…being a writer, that’s who I really am. It is whom, I will strive to be for the remainder of my life. It’s not an alter ego, it’s who I’ve always been, but life happens and sometimes the core of your personality or maybe even your dreams get caught up in what you need to do to live life. My oldest child it’s similar to me, but he was born to a different generation. I grew up understanding that my life must be sacrificed, my dreams must be put aside because once you begin your family they come first. The following Generations want to start out doing what they want to do and do it regardless of anything else. Not saying my child has a deficiency, I was raised by those who would be called The Silent generation they were raised by, the Greatest Generation, that meant working hard and at the end of the day you get to relax and enjoy yourself. We late Boomers and Xers have that same ethnic. Without my wife by my side and raising the last child I can now go back to those things that I enjoy doing. I long to have someone to enjoy this part of life with but if God chooses to leave me as I am, then I must accept that. It’s no easy thing hiking solo at my age, I say that because many things can go wrong and you’ll be on the side of a mountain by yourself. It could take hours it can take days before you get help. But if that’s the way my life ends, then I rather do that; I’d rather die doing what I truly love than the alternative. Chained to my desk.

The first thing my wife said to me when I showed my secret I’d been hiding… “you have to write”. She had always been the cutman in my corner. Patch me up and send me back out. She was one of only two people that said I should continue writing. My sister as I have mentioned many times was the other person. My college professors were the other group of people to encourage me to do so. The rest of the people in my world and in my life, not so much. The same can be said about hiking and anything in the outdoors. There’s no real encouragement in it some don’t understand the commitment and why one would put their life at risk to do such a thing. honestly I think mountain climbers are crazy but then again, they are and I admire them and wish I had the upper body strength to do what they do…

You see, dear reader, I’m down to one child now, I’ve asked her to join me on this adventurous 52 hike challenge. most likely I’ll end up just finishing this by myself. But again I’m down to raisng just one child, I’m no longer young man with a young wife and a young family depending upon me to be around forever. The very last Great Adventure, the unknown Galaxy that has yet to be explored is death. But before I get there I want to enjoy what God has created and for me, that means spending time in His creation. The wilderness, the wild Outdoors. During a hiking trip this summer an idea for a story popped into my head, so you see it’s all connected. The ideas for my stories come from the life I live. If I don’t live then what’s the point? And what would I write about…?

That moon and stone…? It was a reminder that “she’s not here” to enjoy this time with me. That was our plan. But what about you, dear reader, where are you in life today? I’ve long since, passed the sunrise days. Sunset is here… and now before me is…

Twilight.

Until next time…

“With and Without Her”

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This year opened up with a devastating blow to our finances. In our 19 years of marriage we have gone through so much. I used to joke that we had double years…in others words and closer to what I would say, is, every one year was like two years. So, Sharol and I have been married for nearly 40 years. we look good after 40 years together don’t we,Lol. After leaving grad school I searched earnestly for a job. None came, so Sharol suggested and I agreed that after a year of surviving why not just write the book I wanted to write. From 2013 -2014 I worked on the book. I was getting nervous about being out of work for so long but Sharol encouraged me to continue. When I completed the book, the process to promote it begin…it was hard and did not do well. I’d given away many of them hoping folks would write a book review, I was wrong, so very wrong. The stress piled up on me. I enjoyed politics in grad school so I apply for a Senate Fellowship, after a 2 month wait I didn’t get the job. Four months into 2014 another job opened up, it was seasonal. I took it, it was better than nothing. It ended right after Thanksgiving. We were back where we started. While I was looking again I started working on an update of the book and added two new stories. Being a NYC teacher, Sharol had the summers off and usually typed and edited my work. That summer, of 2015, we were faced with another major scare in our marriage, we were staring at a hysterectomy right in the eye! Earlier in the year she was having massive pains and huge clots. Nothing help and naturally I feared losing my wife. After pain relievers didn’t work we went to the ER. I later found this

February 10, 2015

February 10, 2015 “Love Letter”

letter in the book of letters she was writing to me. Yes, I love reading letters and Sharol wanted to bless me. She was thanking me for being with her…like, really, where else would I be but my wife’s side. We spent the next few months monitoring her health and going to appointments for the possible hysterectomy that summer. Praise God, it wasn’t needed and I landed an assistant trainer position. I finished the book update and Sharol was done with the edit work, all I had to do was double check then publish. I did. We made it through the summer with minimal aging pains…except one. Both of our knees were hurting, Her’s had given out on her, mine felt like grinding glass. Sharol had gotten a shot in her knee, I didn’t, I had less stairs to climb…

Sunday in church. Three days before the knee surgery.

Sunday June 5,2016 In church, three days before the knee surgery.

The summer of 2015 ended, I was out of work. Sharol started her trek back to Brooklyn. The new lease came and Housing decided to “project” my summer pay as a yearly amount, added our daughter’s income and Sharol’s raise…BAM! The rent was way more than we could afford because of all the other bills we had. We all know they don’t care about that. I stopped working on the follow-up book and started looking for full-time work. Writing, was done. By November things had gotten worst and I didn’t know it because she didn’t tell me. She wanted to spare me the extra stress I was already feeling. And for the first time ever, in 19 years, we had a fall-out over money. Money! can you believe that? Not Us…never!. But it happened, it was so tense that between Thanksgiving and Christmas we hardly said a word to one another. After Christmas our eyes caught each other and we found it hard to be silent. The conversation started too, the love returned and we made up. The house was noisy again. But, this issue didn’t go away and we had a strange something between us…we’d NEVER fought over money. I later found out that my wife was carrying a huge weight on her shoulders. the credit cards weren’t paid, nor the rent, neither the tithes. She felt she couldn’t tell me…after a very heated talk, I reminded her that I am not a “millennial” our generation “doesn’t run scared of everything” I wasn’t mad at the bills not being paid. I was upset that she forgot, that we are Partners… It was finished! we tackled the problem. Now it was time act. I spoke to a friend who said he and his wife went through the same thing once and hurting finances can cripple a relationship. He fought to get me back at The Broad as we call it. I did.

May 7 My Birthday. She sing happy birthday to me.

May 7 My Birthday. She sing happy birthday to me.

We went after our debt with a vengeance. First stop, back rent and no unnecessary purchases until after the summer. But…Mother’s Day was coming and I wanted to go dancing with my lady….

Dancing was put on hold, Sharol’s knee got worse. A piece of bone chipped off and was now floating around. It cause her knee to lock, thankfully she never fell down the stairs. There were trips and appointments to discuss possible replacement surgery.

“Happy birthday Ty”

Since we didn’t have money to go away for a weekend alone, it had been 2 years since we had a weekend getaway; we decided to spend the weekend together around town. We were leaning towards the surgery. I wanted to do a dance cruise with Rhythm Revue. Last summer we had a awesome time dancing for hours! non stop! of course, we went home and took some Aleve afterwards. Unfortunately, I missed the window to get the tickets. So…. We went book shopping instead.

Sunday May 29, 2016

Sunday May 29, 2016

😊 Slept a little later, brewed a pot of Darjeeling tea, made us breakfast then we talked..and..talked..and talk.
Had a late lunch at a diner, then toBarnes & Noble) for New books.
Then top it off with camera foolery. Home for Catfish nuggets & salad.👍celebrating love.” -From my Facebook page. Oh yes, I followed her around the store and the street. Watching her walk and snapping picture. She was giddy ALL day. We were junior high school kids.

The date..

The surgery was set…I was scared, we’d been planning our 20th wedding anniversary and we were having a whirlwind affair..again! The “summer love” was awesome. We planned to see a family in Africa we’ve been supporting for years, then maybe a cruise or back to New Orleans. I’d hope to surprise Sharol with a chocolate diamond ring and a celebration bottle of Graham’s 20 year old Tawny port. I had no idea how I was going to get that ring…but after 20 years she deserve it! the $55-$60 port, that was easy. We had time for a lunch date before the surgery…

Monday June 6, 2016 our last date.

Monday June 6, 2016 our last date.

She stopped by my job and had lunch in Battery Park with me. Sadly this would our last date together.

Without Her…

Sharol had her knee replacement on June 8, 2016…she woke up and said “I came back to to you!” the tears were trying their best to fall from my eyes. But I fought them off “Okay, now can we get you come home” I replied. She came home Friday not Thursday as planned. I had her cheese cake I promised would be waiting for her “See, a man of my word” I said. “I know you are dear”. I stayed home from work an extra day. Got up early and washed her…yeah, we giggled. Then moved on with the day. Monday I went back to work and our daughter took over for me. On Tuesday the youngest girl helped while I was at work. I came home, made a slammin’ dinner and took my place beside my woman in my chair, we watched an episode of Star Trek Enterprise, Sharol started looking at phone and I went to the room and played a game my phone. She text: “I’m going in the hall to walk” Tue,Jun,2016,8:47 PM I went out shortly after that, she was walking towards and I was joking about her knee being “straight now” She collapsed about 4 feet away from me…

Me watching her walk, filming her and taking pictures...

Me watching her walk, filming her and taking pictures…

Tuesday at 9:43 PM Sharol left me to be with the Lord. I spent a week and a half sleeping with the clothes she wore that night. Though it was very, very little sleep. The clothes were cut off her but I didn’t care, it had her scent on it. The smell of sweat and perfume…I clanged to her head scarf so that I could remember what her hair smelled like. I couldn’t pray, sleep, eat, think…nothing. The next morning, our youngest daughter came in my room as I was putting on my shoes, she wanted to go to school. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe either, something was wrong! She came around next to me and it felt like my heart had literally been tore from my chest. I reach out for the window and exploded into a wail. My daughter put her hand on me and I melted into a puddle of tears. I dropped her off at school…Got 30 feet away and darn near hit the ground. I was having trouble inhaling….I put my head phones on, only to hear music that Sharol and I listened and danced to. I couldn’t control the crying. Then the phone calls started….

A week later I found myself angry that I was left alone, alone to do all the planning…all the living…and die without her holding me. Followed by hours and days of numbness and lost with no relief, grieving was a luxury. I hadn’t time to really do it. Added stress from all over didn’t help. My glucose went way up…and I hadn’t eaten, even my blood press skyrocketed! ….

Then one day last week I just couldn’t get out of the bed. My daughter came everyday for a week, she doesn’t live that far from us, but I really couldn’t focus….

Now 3 weeks later, I decided to write, dear reader, not so much for you but for me. To let go, to heal, to begin to take care of me so that I can take care of my children. Sharol’s scent has left her clothes…I was sad, it felt like she was disappearing and she is. Thankfully I have pictures that remind me of her, I thank God that they don’t make me sad but rather make me laugh or think fondly of that moment in time. I still have times when I cry. Heck I spent most of the day in tears before writing this. I was paying bills and couldn’t figure out who got what and when.

I don’t have any Pearls of wisdom for you, dear reader. I’m just a guy trying to live with…..And now, without his wife. I know someone reading this gets it, it’s such a strange feeling to find yourself sudden alone. For all of you reading this who are going through what I’m going through, I pray that your comfort comes quick.

Until next time…