“With and Without Her: Twilight”

Hike 14/52 Sachuest Rhode Island. Oct. 20, 2018

I was sitting on a bench up the hill from the rocky shoreline… the sun setting, the chilly sea breeze whispering across my face and a heavy scent of sea water in the air. My daughter, the youngest, sat on my right side…

I don’t know what she was thinking about. The last time we went hiking, she was about 12 feet behind me, walking slow in deep thought. She said she was thinking about life. I half smiled, because I was thinking; like all parents of teenagers, what life?. It’s funny how the reach a certain age and suddenly “life” becomes serious. But we know better, teenage issues are no match for adult problems. Yep, and that’s why we try to prolong the process of them dealing with such things and force them to enjoy living. Anyway, dear reader, I was in deep thought that day. My daughter wanted to go back to the Rhode Island trail since the Spring. I had planned to hike up in Hudson County but hurt my knee, which was swollen and in pain, during a staff meeting. Can you believe that?! I moved my chair to let someone pass by and banged my knee into the corner of the desk. Yes, OUCH! and these 55 year old arthritic knees don’t bounce back from injuries like they use to. So, I was hesitant about putting stress on them. It was a good choice to do a lower Impact and low grade hike. It was also a chance to just relax although I wasn’t, because we there rather late. The office was closed, so no bathroom run before hitting the trail. This time I wasn’t the one that needed to go. So we kind of rushed through as we were fighting against the loss of day light. The sun was now setting. Like my life….

Hike 14/52 Sachuest Rhode Island. Oct. 20, 2018

So… we set on the beach staring out at the wavy sea water. My daughter sitting where her mother often sat. It was then that my mind drifted out like the waves underneath the yellow glow of the setting sun…

It’s like the sun, a quick thought wiz by. Our life together, our marriage…the sun of my marriage has set. As I have written many times, my wife and I loved being by or on the water. This was a fitting spot to experience both her presence in mind and her loss in heart. Even an augment… I thought as I stared at the picture preparing to write this. No, no one wants the pounding heart beat or echoing loud angry words that fly through the air during an augment. No one wants to come humbly to the other and ask for forgiveness. Though we all love making up afterwards. No, no one wants the stress of “What did I say…?” But we, I, wanted her presence in the room, on the bench, in that moment. Feeling her head resting heavily on my shoulder(why do woman do that?). Feeling her locs, scratchy, against my face. Her arm wrapped around mine… making me uncomfortable, because Sharol was tall. We were nearly the same height, her shoulders slightly higher than mine. It was always an odd struggle to fit together. I was used to short girls growing up. So we always held hands or standing together, my arms around her full waist and her head on my chest. That meant her scrunching down,Lol. Hey, we made it work for 19 years! So you see, she was sorely missed during that sunset. She wrote to me once, concerning her operation: “I feel confident that God will awaken me to you and if He doesn’t I will see you one day again. But I am sure that no matter what you’ll always feel my love with you” Unfortunately this was proven to be true.

The child that now sat next to me, who once was a tiny baby I held and whose eyes first saw me, is a constant reminder of her love. I didn’t want more children I already had two. But shortly before we were married, I dreamed of a son. Soon after God warmed my heart to the idea. After the baby’s birth and a few years later we thought of another child. We tried for over a year and after being discouraged, we were blessed with a baby girl. But I’ve told that story before…

Hike 14/52 Sachuest Rhode Island. Oct. 20, 2018(rocky shoreline)

We left the sunset bench behind us and continued on the trail. The temperature was dropping, my daughter needed a rest room and I was anxious to get back to the spot where I stacked a small pile of memorial stones for my late wife; on the coastline. We walk and walk and every so often I’d look over the hill at the shore to see if we were there. The entire 3+ hour’s ride up, I was frustrated that I couldn’t find a Sharpie anywhere. When I started the 52 Hike Challenge in April, I planned to place a stone at each summit with her name on it as though she hiked with me. Sadly the marker I had dried up. The last time I was able to do it was on my solo hike.

Hunters Island. Solo hike 10/52 Aug. 26, 2018

I chose a spot at the opening of the woods, just a few yards away from the river’s edge because I couldn’t get close enough. There wasn’t a high peak and I thought it was a beautiful place for the stone. I started to write her name and I only got out Sha before the marker started to die. I rubbed and rubbed until I got the name out. It was done when I wrote the date…

Finally! We found the right spot! I creeped down the side of the cliff, trying not to trip on the giant rocks. I made it down to the stone beach and started my search. I found my pile or what was left of it. At least the base stone was still there. I turned to my daughter not realizing she never came down. So I looked for another stone that resembled my original top stone. Woo hoo, I found one! Set it up on a bolder, then snapped a photo! I bent down to set my angle… Oh snap! I thought. The moon was out… and in my shot! The next thought was Twilight.

Hike 14/52 Sachuest Rhode Island. Oct. 20, 2018

It was a sad feeling, a bewildered feeling, a feeling of loss and love, staring up at the stone. The moon marked the ending of the day. And for me personally, a reminder of the ending of part of life. The beginning of another. Over the past two years since my wife passed almost every TV show we watched together or I alone, has experienced death. The death of the wives! I started watching CBS’s Seal Team last year. This year, three episodes in, Jason’s wife/ex-wife died unexpectedly. And it shocked the crudd out of me! I wasn’t expecting it, there was nothing leading up to it. No tip off by the writers of the show. No sad music. Nothing! I set in my chair with my mouth hanging open… tears creeping up.. in total shock. Jason as expected, fell apart. I knew what he felt all too well. One minute you’re talking to your wife and the next, she gone. No “I love you” like in the movies. No, last look in the eyes… nothing. One scene, Jason was found by his friend and teammate; at the scene where the car crash happened. He’d been sitting for hours counting the cars going by. Even the hardest of men would not have watched with a dry eye. I did something similar. For weeks when I went out or took out the trash I’d look back before entering my apartment. I’d stare at the place where my wife laid. Sometimes for a second sometimes longer. I’d even walk down the hallway and look down the other end… as if in a movie, I could see her walking toward me again. My eyes would trace her steps, flashes of her face and the tubing and gloves the Paramedics left behind. It took a while for it to stop. Every once in a while when I see two ambulances parked I remember that night…

All of these men from Nashville, Longmire, Blue Bloods and now Seal Team(and others), now mirror my own life. I’ve watched these characters go through the twilight of their lives. After 10,15, 24 years of marriage now navigating, like myself, through a new world. One they were not prepared to walk through alone. Dealing with suddenly becoming single parents, single, widowers. Having the gteat debate about seeing another woman. The weird guilt some feel. Some ready or at least think so but have a hard time. It’s not so much about letting go as it is in some cases, it’s about how. How do you begin a relationship. For many like me, it was a less complicated time when we met our wives. Men and women were less confused about who and what they were. The awkwardness of starting a conversation. And then there’s the one I feel myself in these days. I’ve gotten pass the silence, I keep busy. I’m functioning in my loneliness. I constantly struggle with the absence of a physical touch. I’ve gotten used to the empty bed. But I’m staving for long intellectual conversation. Talking about any and everything! Talking over one another, interrupting, laughing, all of it. But things like that take a lifetime. That’s what many of the characters are dealing with. And I don’t think I have another lifetime to know someone. It’s funny but not funny, the older I get, the older women get. Many my age are jaded, some bitter and broken. The younger ones are just that, younger. They’re post internet, steeped in the segregated mindset of the political correctness dogma and so many find offence in a casted shadow. It’s not just them it’s everywhere. So, these old fashioned guys have a dilemma. So do I…

Hike 14/52 Sachuest Rhode Island. Oct. 20, 2018

The deer were moving around in the shadows like ghost. It was like children quietly talking, every so often you’d hear a twig snap or the bush move. If you turned your head fast enough you would see one dead in its tracks, staring at you. The birds of prey vanished and now the bats were circling above and the rabbits were hopping arcoss the path…

The sun had finally left the sky and It was completely pitch in the space of time it took to get from across the parking lot and start the engine. As we walked to the car I kept thinking of the moon and how I’m moving into that strange twilight of life. I’m at a good point in my life though, all but one of my kids are out of the house. Grown and with their own families. The house is quiet, no children arguing or fighting. No diapers to change, no more waking up at to a cry. No need to plan a vacation around an amusement park. Now I can do things I enjoy doing. Go where I want to go and when I want to. And if we had to buy takeout or wanted to go out for dinner, it’s less expensive and easier to buy for two people.

Like the men I mentioned, we’re in a place in life (depending on age) where we can do what we love. For those characters, it’s their job. They love what they do for a living. I, do not! So, I’m not only balancing life after loss but feeling stuck in a meaningless job. I’m enjoying my time on the road. I love hiking and camping, heck, I’m even beginning to love going to the gym. If I could make a living writing books, blog, and traveling, I’d quit my job today. But… here I’m, in this place. For some, too old for a young man’s job and too old to hire because retirement is close at hand. So, I find my solace out here in the open, with nothing but God and the sky above me, with woodland creatures running around spying on me. I find peace on the road meeting new people exchanging smiles and laughter and getting tips on equipment to use and take with us. I sit frustrated at my desk, waiting for lunch time to get out of the office and go to the gym and work out for a few minutes. I get impatient sitting at my desk everyday staring at the calendar and the clock waiting for the weekend so that I can escape. Escape the chatter from 20 different conversations, escape the noise of the city, escape the stench of my neighbor who insist on smoking in the hallway and it seeps to my apartment. Escape from the thing I call… my fake life, because out there, that’s where my real life is. Writing…being a writer, that’s who I really am. It is whom, I will strive to be for the remainder of my life. It’s not an alter ego, it’s who I’ve always been, but life happens and sometimes the core of your personality or maybe even your dreams get caught up in what you need to do to live life. My oldest child it’s similar to me, but he was born to a different generation. I grew up understanding that my life must be sacrificed, my dreams must be put aside because once you begin your family they come first. The following Generations want to start out doing what they want to do and do it regardless of anything else. Not saying my child has a deficiency, I was raised by those who would be called The Silent generation they were raised by, the Greatest Generation, that meant working hard and at the end of the day you get to relax and enjoy yourself. We late Boomers and Xers have that same ethnic. Without my wife by my side and raising the last child I can now go back to those things that I enjoy doing. I long to have someone to enjoy this part of life with but if God chooses to leave me as I am, then I must accept that. It’s no easy thing hiking solo at my age, I say that because many things can go wrong and you’ll be on the side of a mountain by yourself. It could take hours it can take days before you get help. But if that’s the way my life ends, then I rather do that; I’d rather die doing what I truly love than the alternative. Chained to my desk.

The first thing my wife said to me when I showed my secret I’d been hiding… “you have to write”. She had always been the cutman in my corner. Patch me up and send me back out. She was one of only two people that said I should continue writing. My sister as I have mentioned many times was the other person. My college professors were the other group of people to encourage me to do so. The rest of the people in my world and in my life, not so much. The same can be said about hiking and anything in the outdoors. There’s no real encouragement in it some don’t understand the commitment and why one would put their life at risk to do such a thing. honestly I think mountain climbers are crazy but then again, they are and I admire them and wish I had the upper body strength to do what they do…

You see, dear reader, I’m down to one child now, I’ve asked her to join me on this adventurous 52 hike challenge. most likely I’ll end up just finishing this by myself. But again I’m down to raisng just one child, I’m no longer young man with a young wife and a young family depending upon me to be around forever. The very last Great Adventure, the unknown Galaxy that has yet to be explored is death. But before I get there I want to enjoy what God has created and for me, that means spending time in His creation. The wilderness, the wild Outdoors. During a hiking trip this summer an idea for a story popped into my head, so you see it’s all connected. The ideas for my stories come from the life I live. If I don’t live then what’s the point? And what would I write about…?

That moon and stone…? It was a reminder that “she’s not here” to enjoy this time with me. That was our plan. But what about you, dear reader, where are you in life today? I’ve long since, passed the sunrise days. Sunset is here… and now before me is…

Twilight.

Until next time…

“The Resistance”

libertySitting at home today; I wasn’t feeling well, I started reading things on Facebook and in the news as well as other places across the internet. I’ve actually been doing this for the past few months, taking notice of a trend, a band of Freedom Fighters, fighting for Social Justice. You’ve seen them on YouTube, Smart TV, your Smart phones, talk shows and any and every social media platform or stage that will have them. They march with pink hats, they scream at the top of their lungs, They cry and have other public emotional outbursts, they have counted the number of genders and have deemed it worthy of scholarly learning. They champion for segregated safe spaces for black students on college campuses. Because of their work we now know it’s not okay; for a black man to buy a Wok and make Chinese food, for a white man to sell tacos, for a white woman to have dread Locs, for Koreans to sell Indian hair, for Puerto Ricans to make oxtails… and it is not okay, for a Mexican to wear a Bob Marley t shirt and have beef patties for dinner. Because of Cultural Appropriation, we now know that borrowing from other people is wrong. Because courageous woman marched, we have a greater understanding that masculinity is toxic.

Masculinity must be erased so that the true men may rise. This man will be in touch with and in full sync with his femininity. The old feminist began the work of shaping today’s new man and his new shaved and manicured masculinity. fem1 The new feminist are putting the finishing touches on what some may call, the emasculated effeminate, new man. fem2Which seems to be widely accepted as the far superior alternative to the traditional bravado man. These fighters have shown us that the bear haired chested man with dirty nails from building homes all day, is no longer acceptable. fem5 He exudes strength and domination. This can only be feared and removed, because this show of strength is destructive to all humans. fem4 In short, gone are the days when men knew what men were. When burly men walked through the door; sweaty and smelly from a day’s work and kissed his wife who longed to feel his strong arms around her waist. Men like my dad who smelled like motor oil and violet candy. Mothers knew what was expected of their sons and the men of their lives. Today, these women enjoy their freedoms and confusion passed down to them from three generations of feministfem3.jpgThese warriors… freedom fighters for social justice have also given us a litany of crimes and discriminatory Acts done to our follow humans. I read how it is not okay for straight men to over look transgender “women” who are finding hard to find men. It’s discrimination. One person said that we (straight men) should “move past it”. Joining their ranks in ever growing numbers are well paid celebrities and other wealthy people. Their laundry list of offences range from unacceptable words and phrases to micro aggression and longing gazes. From the brand of bottle water you drink to the amount of money in your bank account. Most of them also have atheistic Progressive Socialist Communist political beliefs as well. Though their ranks are splinted and each group’s numbers are growing, more and more I read and hear of them coming under the banner and calling themselves the resistance(This puzzles me). They’ve called for us to resist, resist the new president, resist discrimination and so on…

“We are the Borg. Lower your shields and surrender your ships. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Your culture will adapt to service us. Resistance is futile.”- Star trek; First Contact

The Borg’s approach to life has always troubled me, I like being a maverick. I love my freedom and my liberty. Check out the true meaning. Resistance: the refusal to accept or comply with something; the attempt to prevent something by action or argument. The more I read and hear and see on TV, the more I am frightened of what is becoming of the country I hold so dear. Black is White, Up is Down… and… those calling us to resist or else, are forcing conformity upon us! They say they are the resistance, that they want freedom and equality for all. But each day an internal gong rings louder and louder within me and I hear these words “I know not what course others may take but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!” these words were uttered by Patrick Henry on march 23, 1775. The context was breaking away from England’s subjugation and deciding whether or not to go to war. Also, getting away from a king and a government that was over seas, that was forcing upon them rules. But they wanted to be free to own land and profit from the goods they sold. But the king wanted them to pay taxes to England when they lived in a different country. Patrick Henry and the others fighting for independence and liberty were the Rebels, the true resistance. fem6.jpg

The Borg wanted to force assimilation. They wanted to force people from other planets and their culture into submission. But first… their protective shields had to be lowered. They’d say that resisting them would be futile. Imagine that, it would be pointless to fight back. You should just lay down your sword and your will to live and thrive, in order for someone else to force conformity on you. In their eyes you have already loss. Men will be allowed in the women’s bathroom, just because they feel like a woman. The word Sex has been replaced by Gender in order to have what we now know as “multiple genders” including the ever confusing fluidity. So give up and give in.

Just like the Borg’s philosophy or as Jesus said in Mark 3:27 no one can rob a strong man’s house. First, you have to tie him up…. then you’ll have the run of the house. So, you need to get Americans to let down their guard, then you can slip in whatever you want. It wouldn’t matter because they’ll be asleep. The entertainment industry is the easiest access point. Get the people laughing and giggling at alternative life styles, then add a measure of soft porn, sprinkle it with half witted manboys, with an added measure of teenagers are starter than their parents. What’s left, is a pliable mind ready to be programmed to accept an agenda that will ultimately destroy them… listen dear reader, how else can you explain two and a half to three generations later, young black college kids fighting for segregation. Senseless isn’t it? Understand this, when your freedom  infringes upon my liberty we have a problem. I don’t care if a man wants to suck another man’s face. I don’t need to see it no more than I need to or want to see any other couple, as my parent’s generation used to say “Get a room!” And you can not pass laws forcing people to like it or like you. You can’t force me or others to love or respect you. NO amount of hair coloring or foot stooping is going to change that. The so-called warriors may get an unconstitutional law passed or even stack the deck with government officials willing to push such legislation… but they will never make/force anyone to like them or their cause. Why? because it’s a heart and personal thing. You can’t make a woman love you, you can’t make a man love you it’s not something that can be forced… or else that’s rape or some other abuse. This is the sort of thing these SJW’s claim people are doing to them, forcing “themselves” and “their morality” on them…

Dear reader, when I started penning this, over a month ago now, I had heard of a woman and mother who told her sons that they essentially rapist and part of  the “Rape Culture”  I posted a video on fb of a woman who express my same view of the subject. My oldest son commented with  commonsense and was attack for his views, I told him I wasn’t going to get into a pointless social media  fight. Here’s the thing, he said that there was nothing wrong with masculinity and nothing wrong with men being rough or strong or aggressive, because it’s part of our nature. He also expressed that a rapist is just that and it has nothing to do with a man’s masculinity. He’s correct. The person told him that those things, especially for black men, can be dangerous and get you killed. In fact the person that the young woman in video would “change her rhetoric if she found herself with a “dangerous” black male” Of course my son was pissed at the mention of ethnicity and questioned why “race” had to be brought into the discussion. Gosh, I love it when people tell me how life is for me as a black man and I always enjoy the soft bigotry of low expectations. Of course revel in the thought of people who don’t live in this country but have soooooo much to say about our issues, especially on immigration! Anyway, since I started this the lunatics have turn it up a notch and have move to tear down statues, those folks that say black lives matter to them, have made a list of demands for white people, White folks are stepping over themselves with self hate, a cornucopia of anti-american loonies descended upon Charlottesville. And no, I don’t care what their acronyms are, they don’t not have the best interest of this nation in mind. In fact their purpose is the tear down our country. Everyone, is clamoring about freedom but they keep stepping on the freedom of the rest of us. Things like this is going on in public schools. Why? Because according to media and social media it’s the new In thing to do. To indoctrinate our kids in set of morals… forcing it on them. It’s so ridiculous now, that a woman I read about said that her child was “Transgender”. At 3 years old?! Parents have lost their minds…

All of these antics have only served to be fodder for anger. Just like before the 2016 election, people were getting tried of having things forced on them. The 8 years before had made many allowances for this so-called resistance, meanwhile the nation was getting weary of it. on election day much to the chagrin of the media, celebrities and other talking heads, the country pimp slapped them…. Here’s why.

Their maybe legitimate concerns within the gay community, legitimate concerns facing poverty, the black community, immigrants, energy, terrorism whether foreign or domestic and so on. But when you allow the crazies, the co-called “Activist”, the rich movie stars, the Beta males, the man haters and so on to take control of your cause, no one is listening anymore. Seriously what woman does Ashley Judd represent? None that I know of. I went to a restaurant one morning for my tea; I’d give you the name but some petty person would go after them, anyway the young woman called me “Hun” then as I was leaving said “have a nice day sweetie…” I left the store feeling odd. I couldn’t figure out why, then it hit me! I should be offended! But I wasn’t, it felt good to hear those words. Heck, my late wife called me Hun all the time. It was odd because we as a Society have come accustomed to finding offences, in everything! We don’t speak to each other like we use to, we don’t compliment anymore… out of fear we’ve broken some unwritten or written law we didn’t know existed. We don’t appreciate much anymore, Americans are walking around all tensed and bounded up. As my co-worker said “Everyone needs an enema!” But this is not who we are, to prove it I shut down that small world called facebook for a month and concentrated on the world around me.

I’ve been travelling up and down the east coast with my 14 year old daughter. For the purpose of this I’ll disclose our ethnicity. Be ready to gasp! We are… black, brown, colored Lol, we are non-white Americans. Yep. Guess what we found? Americans are not what the talking heads say they are. We actually care about one another. The problem is as our president said the other day, the media is dividing us. He wasn’t the first to think of that… remember, I stayed away from fb for that very reason. The internet hasn’t brought us closer it has pulled us apart. Each social media is divided by friends and likes. If your friends are just like you, think like you, chances are that same “fight video” is going to travel in a circle, a small circle at that. The media, news and fake news and social media are set up according to their biases, they lean Left, Right or Middle. However about 90% of the media outlets are Left leaning. This mean we hardly ever get balance information. Now, if your not going to go outside of your small circle to find balanced info what do you think your intake is…? Think about it, how is that the gay community, which is about 3 or 4% of the population gets so much media coverage? How about the screaming crazies? When your circle is small, you will think that this all that is happening in the world. Clearly you’re not seeing any good things. The knuckleheads on cable and other networks spent years and hours telling the world HRC was going to win. The people in closed circled social media believed it. They didn’t think of the real people who knew HRC and who were tired of what was happening around them… America chose someone else. These people are not the resistance!

I am, the Resistance!. Why? Because I refuse to let a few or even many knuckleheads tell me what to think or feel. I refuse to think that all cops are out to kill black men, I refuse to put a skirt on a two boy just because he’s playing with his sister’s doll, I refuse to through Jesus under the bus and put my complexion in the forefront of my beliefs. I resist! I refuse to teach my children that there is something wrong with them, other than a poor attitude. I refuse to raise victims that will demand something from others that they didn’t earn. I will stand for liberty, for freedom, I will resist anyone that tries to take it from me and mine. I will resist the enemy of my soul who wishes to destroy it… and I most definitely will resist the enemies of this nation both inside and out that seek to tear us apart.  I urge you dear reader, to join the real Resistance and resist regurgitating the videos and negative content that divides our country. But spend more time building it up. Tell the good and great stories that the ratings and following hungry folks won’t tell. Stop listening to the talking heads and wealthy movie stars, who constantly rail against other rich people then tell you to hate them. Stop listening to the boneheads, that tell you that your “race” is better than someone else’s. You know the truth! A poor Mexican and a poor white American or any other ethnic group, are all still poor. No one enough to eat and please do yourself a favor, shut down the electronic world once in a while and go out into the real world.

resist

I will pray on my knee and I will fight on my feet… I will not be Assimilated. I will resist…. I amThe Resistance!

“I know not what course others may take but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!”

Until next time…

“I Love You”

I Love You… 

Three big, little words. Big in it’s meaning or meanings but small in a sense; in the amount of words and effort it takes to write or say the sentence. It is the sentence that every woman as well as every man in love wants to hear. Every child wants to hear their parents tell them these three words, even though they may not know why. There is, some sort of comfort in these words, some strange sense of …a warm blanket or blankie on a cold night. Words uttered on a death bed or last dying breath, give us a sense of comfort knowing that the person leaving truly loved us. But do we really know what love is?

love These three words make many of us uncomfortable to hear and say. I am at the top of that list. Yet, like others I love just as deeply as the next person. My wife wouldn’t have been with me if I didn’t. But she knew how I felt and I also told her. I thought about writing this for some time now but hadn’t had time nor was I making the time to do it. But I found myself forced to write on this subject. Why? Because a dear friend of mine went away for a while… it’s not the first time we have been separated. But twice I went through the same thing, this time more pronounced though. I couldn’t figure it out and then it hit me about 4 days later…

happy-married-couple

The dictionary defines love as a feeling of strong affection or an attraction based on sexual desire. The latter definition is where most people’s understanding of Love exist. Rarely, does a person see love without a sexual desire attached to it. It is that thinking, that causes a heap of trouble. We often jump straight to sex in a relationship and when it sours, so goes the relationship. Now, the dictionary did attempt to give more than just one meaning for love. But the Greeks did it much better , in fact, they have 4 to 6 different meanings for the word love. 05-secrets-of-happily-married-couples-kids        storgē  that familiar feeling, for instance the love  parents have for children and children towards their parents. That “I know you, you belong to me” kind of love. Agápe is one of the highest forms of expressive love. The greatest example is God’s love towards us, God’s love for mankind/humans. It is a verb, it is the command to do, is it the unconditional, it is the charity, it is the love that compels us to stop and buy a sandwich for that hungry person. When Jesus said to love one another it was not only a command but it was this kind of love he meant.

Senior man giving woman piggyback ride

Dear reader, are you starting to see that there is more to these 3 little words? Is it becoming clearer that perhaps the entertainment industry is just absolutely wrong in what they purport is love. Anyway, let’s move on.

Philía …ah.. though we have Heard it translated as the brotherly love, it means friend.  marriedPhilia is a deep love for a friend, friendship love. That deep connection to the one that makes you laugh, maybe gives good advice. They are probably the first shoulder you cry on. The friend you can rely on, someone you feel an affinity for but never thought of your closeness as love. This isn’t a sexual thing, this is not a same sex attraction thing. When I was in my teens I had a homeboy/friend whom I would have done any for and likewise. We were inseparable, if you saw me, Larry was not far behind. He also had some fine older sisters to (that’s a different kind of love). His mother loved me as her own, always offered food and kindness. I’d help her upstairs with her groceries when she came into the building. Once I was so high (don’t tell my mother she doesn’t know this story) I couldn’t move or go anywhere. I think it was my first time…before that I didn’t smoke weed or did drugs and my friend always protected me from it. When someone tried to pass me the joint Larry would say “Ty doesn’t smoke” then I’d be passed a beer instead. As far as I knew he didn’t smoke either, so the day I saw him, my ace, my best friend smoking a joint I was heartbroken. The next time someone offered it to me I took it and it didn’t end well for me. In it’s truest form Larry’s philia love kicked up a notch. He protected me from further harm. He took me home, well his to house and I slept in his brother’s bed. His brother was a bouncer at a local club, so he wouldn’t be home that night. Larry checked on me to see if I was cool ,the next thing I remember was him waking me up so that we could get to school. After our friend, who was the youngest of the crew, died tragically; we all split into different directions. I plunged into work and walked away from school…

asian-couple Now, philia can lead to other kinds on love, we’ll get to that later. But for now let’s move on because you are probably wondering what happened to me “4 days later…

As I stated earlier, a friend went away and all of a sudden I felt this strange feeling. Now I couldn’t put my finger on it but when I did it was like an elevator had a sudden dropped. If you’ve been in one when that happens, you get the analogy. Your heart skips, you reach for the sides, your eyes widen, you’re thrust into a panic “this can’t be happening!!”…but it is. I have known of this person for at least 3 years but didn’t get to know them until about 4 or 5 months ago. Over those months I discovered the enjoyment of life again. A month or so ago, we grabbed some dinner before going home to our families. While we were talking, somehow Sharol (my late wife) came up, I didn’t realize I had never told her the story. I went into the full details, something I hadn’t done since talking to the doctors at the hospital, when I saw the shocked look I knew that we hadn’t talked about it before. But I enjoyed the time, it was casual, no pressure to perform. We’ve talked many times about the world we both work in and other things, like my very short trip into the world of online dating. Never again!  But isn’t that what friends are for? Sharing time together. So, what was my issue? I had gotten into a funk, a blue mood if you will. Then a thought came to me I didn’t get a text today. It took a couple of days but while I was sitting next to my 13 year old daughter eating dinner, the elevator dropped. I told her what it was that had been troubling me and in true Bland sarcastic fashion, without skipping a beat, this kid said “Aww… you miss your best friend..?” We laughed. But she was right! I missed my friend! the proof, dear reader, was when I got a text later that night and my mood lightened. Now, I honestly don’t know if this friend feels as close to me as I do her. I have always been a loyal friend to my friends that doesn’t always mean our friends view us in the same light…6-fabulous-dating-tips-for-married-couples

Eros. The 4th and final of the Greek meanings I will deal with. Eros, is the intimate expression of love. The sexual expression of that close bond, the intense attraction of love that causes your mind, your body and your soul to explode with passion for the one that has you heart. It is this love that the entertainment industry parades in front of us and our children, as LOVE. They skip all the other expressions and meanings of love and head straight for the bed. So do most of us and we all lose out on a deeper relationship, friendship, companionship, something that lasts forever. Something, that every married couple knows. Charm and beauty won’t last, neither does sex! You will get old, you will get sick, the kids will leave your home, you will not always have money, someone will lose a job… one of you will die. If you base a relationship on sex as your expression of love or it is the only meaning of love you have, you are in grave danger. If you skip these, dear I say, stages of love, then you will not have a lasting relationship.

Listen, before I was Sharol’s husband and lover, I was just a choir mate. A friend who would talk about children’s TV shows , because we had young kids at home. We called each other at night and talked, many of those nights she fell asleep on the phone. Then came the feelings of wanting to do anything for her and with her. What followed was a different expression of love. I knew then that I wanted to marry her, but it all started slowly drawing our hearts together, moving through the multiple expressions of love. the-pearl-africa-story-teller-app One last thing, dear reader, before I go. Yes, love is a scary thing sometimes. Even scarier to admit that you feel love. Pop culture has all but destroyed love, it’s meaning, it’s purpose and it’s passion. It’s over use of the word and the twisted value of it, has made it meaningless. Yet, God has created in us this thing that draws us to seek after it. First from him and then from others. How ever which order you put it in, you are still drawn to it. Do I love my kids and family? Absolutely. Do I love my coworkers? Yes, and pray for them as well. Agape will do that to you. Do I you my friend? I absolutely do. Is it Eros?  No… It’s something much more, something that surpasses sexual attraction and only the grown-ups in the room understand that companionship is the greater love. It is the closeness that leads to marriage and Eros. So, sorry youngins’ it’s not the other way around. There were days when I walked down the streets or even sat at my desk in despair and out of nowhere, I’d get a text are you okay?  That was the Lord sending me a life raft. I’m sure she had no clue she was being used to brighten my day. Or on another day when I was feeling like the only person on planet I’d  get something like this, Hey, did you eat yet?  It is bread crumbs like these that opened a door and lead to a friendship that I have come to value. So much so, that when my friend went away I missed her terribly. This, dear reader, is the effects of love in all of it’s glorious Greek meanings. We can’t escape it because love in all of it’s forms surround us. If we have a better understanding of it, which I hope you have just gotten, then we can stop translating it into that despairing image of love that we see on screens… and enjoy a life of loving and being loved by others.

Until next time…love1

 

Feckless

Pointless… It would seem, to get out of bed, or even to go to bed since you’ll just have to get up again. You get back up for what reason?  To go to work for someone else, to get a check to hand over to someone else just to have a ceiling over your head.

Futile, is the attempt to Face-lift, implant, inject and dye, all in the name of staying young. You’re old!  Lifting your skin to your scalp will not change that. Dying your hair while your eyes are gray and filled with cataracts is counter productive. It’s …a waste. To stockpile the latest cell phone and electronic gadget is Feckless!

I watched a movie with my wife the other day, At Middleton, the characters kept saying feckless throughout the film. It clearly was a running gag and after laughing I decided to look up the meaning of the word, which means useless, pointless…meaningless. Long before the film King Solomon penned Ecclesiastes 1 where he declared that “Everything is meaningless” and I agree with him. But I also agree with his conclusion of Ecclesiastes…

If we spend our days trying to stay young, by dying our hair and nipping here and tucking there; after years of wanting to be an adult, then yeah, that  is feckless. But when you pour into some else’s life, then your own existence has meaning. We can not stop the aging process or retard our death, but we can live with purpose, we can live for others.  A parent becoming health conscience can not prolong your life, they have no control over living and dying. But they do and can control the quality of that life. Instead of watching the grand children, they are able to lift and play with the child. That child grows to have fond memories of  love and playing with you, then in turn passes that love on to someone else. Whether it be their child or a co-worker is unimportant, the point is, when we live in such a way that brings Joy to others we live eternally…most importantly, life is no longer pointless, futile, a waste, meaningless or feckless. It is massively valuable…

Remember the last time someone smiled at you? or helped you? Do you remember the last time you did something really cool for someone else? Remember that feeling? Yes, it did feel good, didn’t it?  The next time you feel like you’re living a pointless life, remember Solomon’s words..

12 But beyond these, my son, be warned: there is no end to the making of many books,and much study wearies the body. 13 When all has been heard, the conclusion of the matter is: fear God and keep His commands, because this is for all humanity. 14 For God will bring every act to judgment, including every hidden thing, whether good or evil.  (Ecclesiastes 12:12-14, HCSB)

The Lord freely gave us Jesus and told us to freely give as it was given to us. The “giving” part benefits all humanity, you don’t have to be a Christian to understand that, you already know that good feeling…