“Misfire”

I started watching a new Netflix series “Friends From College” this is not a highly intellectual show and like all things Netflix sex is at the top of it’s list. So the show opens with a couple passionately engaged in sex and an affair. Then… Something goes wrong. It is rated TV-M, which is basically an R- rated show. I watched another episode and then it hit me, how many married couples experienced a misfire in the bedroom? How did they handle it? Then I debated about writing about it. But… then I thought, why not?…

This will NOT contain graphic material of any kind nor is this a how to. Just simply a thought that some may feel uncomfortable about. Don’t worry I’ll go first, with an embarrassing personal story but first…

I did a quick search on sexual accidents. Boy, were there some doies (is that a word?). But somehow the quotes below were a running theme for young, dear I say, insecure men. Any man married for more then 3 years and upwards of 10+ knows all sorts of things happen in the bed. Most of which… you just have to let go. And a mature wife/woman will do the same. Anyway, read the quotes and I’ll be right back.

“Girl laughing during sex: good or bad thing”- Body Building. Com

Poor thing, here is one person’s response

depends

if started laughing when you took your pants off -bad thing
if shes a virgin-nothing really, she just seen if for first time

if she started during sex- bad thing, it means you suck

if she started after sex-can also be a bad thing.

Have you ever burst out in laughter? I mean, really, sex is a serious thing. Absolutely no laughing matter. Yet…. it happens! So do accidents, sometimes the kind you don’t tell others. “Hey, Harold what happened to your arm?” Harold looks like a deer in headlights, smiles slightly, then gets serious. “I was helping my wife move the dresser”. The truth is, Harold and Sadie got a little ambitious. Harold tried lifting up his wife on the dresser… she was heavier than their earlier days. His weaker arms wavered, his foot slipped, his back twisted, Sadie gasped, hit the top, fell forward on top of Harold. Harold attempted to break the fall but twisted his arm under him… and Sadie plopped down on top of him. Both layed naked on the floor laughing. Then agreed, not the tell the doctor how the arm got busted.

How about, you’ve missed each other ALL day… and the foreplay began at breakfast. It was, the look, you know the day at work will suck beyond compare. You reach for the tea cup and get a whiff of her floral perfume and it sends your body into overdrive. She shifts her eyes inquisitively. Oh! Runs through her mind… she moves her hair behind her ears then leans in for a kiss. “I’ll see you later honey…”. Then she slips out the front door.

You text all day, for the more adventurous you sext all day. The day sucks as you thought so you plan to meet after work. The kids will be fine, let them open a can of that famous chef, Boyardee. He makes ravioli too. The clock on the office wall signals your release! 5 o’clock! So one last text “Hey sweet lady. I’m on my way to”. The entire train ride you’re singing The Four Tops song “Working My Way Back to You” ….. the movie was great, you laughed so hard you had a headache. But you hold hands and cuddle in the corner of the oddly late night crowded train.

Yes! The kids are asleep! You close the windows to drown out the noise, the bedroom is alas quiet. She makes her approach… giving you the look… your head hits the pillow, she lays on top of you… and you start laughing uncomfortably. She rolls over to the side “what’s so funny…?” She asks. You just got the joke you missed in the movie. After repeating the line, both of you laugh… for hours! You end up talking until you fall asleep. So, how many of you, dear readers, have done that one? Hey, I slipped off the bed once, darn near broke my neck. After the initial “Oh! Are you okay…?” Laughter followed. Loud and hard. By the way, though it was not the case, might I say that, satin and silk sheets look good. Even great in movies and on television… But in real life. Meh. When you are tired or in pain, it’s no fun sliding all over the place.

One morning my wife and I woke up in pain. Her back, my back and knees hurt. I went into work the next morning. Someone asked how I was doing. I said, I was fine except for the pain. Then… “my wife and I both woke up with our backs hurting…” an older coworker looked up at me “Well… what were you two during last night?” Nope she didn’t miss a beat. Everybody laughed at me. I don’t remember what we did the night before, but love making wasn’t involved. It was just the pains of getting older and arthritis. But… I let them go on believing what a stud! When I got home I told my wife the story while we were going to bed. After rubbing Tiger Balm on her back and putting a Salonpas patch on my knee. Yep, we laughed and…. received an awesome reputation to boot.

I must caution you, dear reader, about the dangers of eating spicy food, raw vegetables or carbonated drinks before meeting you spouse bedroom playtime. Now, some of you are laughing out loud right now. But some of you are shaking your head in agreement. BECAUSE … you know the truth and it’s happened to you. For you younger and insecure ones, get over yourselves. Sex is not like it is in the movies. No one takes off their clothes and sticks a perfect landing. Nope, its messy and often times unpredictable. Unless of course, you have the above mentioned combination. We all know the results. Gas must be released! And usually when you don’t want it to. Indeed it can be hilarious

Now, for you younger couples… enjoy your misspent youth and the reckless imitations of on screen romance. A cold hard kitchen floor looks good on screen, it sounds good in your 20’s. But no one in their right mind at 40+ years, certainly not in their 60+ years, is going to crawl down on a COLD floor, especially facing the fact that they aren’t getting back up without help. It ain’t happening! In fact, many older couples will probably tell you, if you ask, that they’ve become more creative in their older years. Yep. Couples enjoy awesome sex in their golden years. Its all about being in decent health. This might shock your tender ears or in this case, your eyes, but if they were freaks in youth odds are they’re still are. Psst… the body gets old not the mind. In most cases, again, it’s about how healthy the couples are.

In my search for weird and funny sex accidents I came across some of the strangest things. One involved a couple under water. Under water! Really?! People are crazy. The things that happen on a normal day is enough. Like, tripping over the clothes you just took off and bumping you head. The results, 8 stitches. That, you can get away with when explaining it to the triage nurse. But… try explaining, scuba gear, flares and jello. Go ahead, I’ll wait…

Okay, just one more. “Cindy. Hey girl, what’s that on your back? Don’t tell me he put his hands on you” Cindy’s eyes searches the room for an invisible fly as her mind searches for last nights events. Oh shoot! She remembers. “Oh, it’s nothing. I slipped in the shower and rubbed up against the wall”… “oh, no girl, that’s a bite mark…” Cindy looks straight ahead “Um….”

Well, unfortunately Cindy is not as good of a story teller as her husband Zac, when it comes to spinning the tales of their sexual misfires. Lord knows, sweet little church usher, Cindy couldn’t say what really happened. Cindy got caught up in the pop frenzy over the latest accepted soft porn author. Lola Spankastein’s “25 Pleasant Surprises For Him” intrigued her, so she secretly read the book at night while Zac snored. She wanted to spice up their 10 year marriage. Well, she sure surprised Zac when in the middle of their passionate night, she whispered “bite me…” Zac thought about it but all good husbands do as their wives ask…

Um…” “Hey, Cindy I need your help on this report. You got a minute”? Saved by the boss she thought. Then walked off touching her shoulder with a smile. Go on, raised you hands if this one is you. Well, go on there’s no one in the room but you, dear reader. Ha! I knew it. Like I said all sorts of things mishaps happen in the bedroom. How about a cramp?! Have you ever caught a cramp and yelled, but it wasn’t because your spouse was awesome. But because a sharp pain just shot through your hip, leg, neck or toe. Now, that, can end the fun in an instant. Wait! Then you have to sit still in that awkward position, naked, until the pain subsides. Man oh man, the stories we can never tell…

Well, dear reader, the poor kid who sought out an online forum for his answers didn’t get, in my opinion, good advice. A young single man obsessed with his size would feel humiliated if laughter broke out. The same with an overly self-conscious young woman. In fact, I’d say that the ladies, because of current culture, would be more humiliated if you laughed. Many of them are wonder if they look acceptable to you. Anyway, married folks know that blank happens. And over the years we’ve seen it all. Including and not limited to, dysfunction. Just take it in stride. I hope that, that young man finds someone like your spouse, dear reader, and the two of them can share and laugh at inside jokes… or should I say, misfires like you.

Until next time…

“Widower”

IMAG0282_1_1 “Life’s journey has brought me to you and we shall continue together” the pendant says on the front.

IMAG0293_1_1

“Here’s to you, Here’s to me, Here’s to us. Semper Fidelis Love, Abby” She inscribed on the back..

Island-1

Father’s Day 2013 Governor’s Island. One of our kids took this picture of me and Sharol

Sharol always said that she was not the romantic one…as she would tell the listeners “Tyrone is the romantic one”  For the most part she was right. But Sharol had her moments. Like this Christmas gift she give me a few years ago. I’ve always wanted a pendant/dogtag or something… I’d given her a heart pendant a few years earlier it reads: “My Abigail when I’m too old to remember you, Remember that I love you. SS 4:1-15 Ty”  Song of Songs 4:1-15  Of course I hoped I would never forget her but the way my brain works some times I surely did wonder.

I was reminded of this as I watched a cute romantic movie with my 18 year old son and 13 year old daughter Sunday night (8/21/2016) after dinner. While we watched “Old Fashioned” I knew my son, the 18 year old, was wondering why on earth did I forced them to watch such a corny movie. My daughter on the other hand was engulfed in the film and like a 13 yr old, the chatterbox was dismayed when things were looking like it wasn’t going to go the way she wanted it to go. But it was good for him to see the film it will linger in the back of his mind and one day it will return. They’ve heard the stories of their mom and dad, how we disliked the American idea of dating and preferred courting instead.

     Dating as a typical american idea, just leads to a horde of broken hearts and dreams. It’s so bad now, that grammar school kids are claiming  “boyfriends and girlfriends”. Who am I kidding, they don’t even use those polite words to describe the “relationship”…. We’ve already seen what TV has done to the pre-teens, oops I means Tweens, in the past 15 – 20 years. So it was refreshing to see this movie depicting a college age kid living a wild life that lead to a major decision in his life. One that change his own ideas on how to treat a lady… 

20130616_155608     One day, when I was particularly lonely and sitting at my desk at work, I started looking up dating sites…Good lord! was it depressing! Not to mention there are a lot of freaks out there. I was seriously tempted to try speed dating.  Hey, why not? It’s within my wheel house, I get bored pretty easy as Sharol knew all to well. Instead of me spending a ton of money on someone I don’t know for 2 hours and probably won’t see again, I’d spend a little money and the date last for 10 minutes then off to the next woman. There you go! I swipe my metro-card  then ride the train home alone, maybe listen to some music, but I wouldn’t have to carry on a conversation that I knew wasn’t going to lead to anything. I also checked out rent a friend. Now this is fascinating, You sign up, for a small fee of course, then you get to rent someone for a date or a wedding, an evening at the movies or a play. Or simply because you have an extra ticket…Or lonely and just want to talk face to face. The renter, gets to choose from a wide range of ages and interest. The rentee, list lots of things that one might want to do…Like, ride bikes, see a play etc. But! they also list other things that might be appealing (or appalling) Like… one woman said the usual things…then added…she was into gay men, straight men and women! Uh..NOPE!… Next! I changed the age category, lord knows; me and a 25 year old ain’t gonna work. Please, I have daughters that age and I don’t think they’re looking for play-dates… anyway, I scrolled through the pictures. I don’t think they realize that someone would actually be looking at the photos and picking them for a rent-able night out. Go grief! have you seen those really bad, dare I say, ghetto “selfies” people have up on LinkedIn?!? It’s like, folks; you are trying to get the job, right? Yeah… well, some the photos were worse then the jobless people on LinkedIn.

20130608_165308_26753   Tattoos everywhere, names like Cinnamon...and yes, one spelled with an “S!” would you believe…Tree!?  These are not the names of 21 year old girls but 40+ year old full grown women! I closed the page then thumbed through my phone’s photo gallery…

20130616_142048 I leaned back in my chair frustrated and stared at pictures of Sharol and watched videos that I have of her…

20130616_143220Dag gone it, why did you leave me! I thought. There’s no one to sit across the table anymore…who am I going to kiss? will I even kiss another women? Dude, this really sucks!!! and even the women our age, are loony birds!… 

20130616_143214       Widower.  The reality hit me, the New normal. What now…? What do I do with my life? My life was built to journey through it with my bride… I have spent 19 years in a constant routine. After work, meals together; I’d wait for Sharol to eat my food. Fridays, it was coffee,pastry and Blue Bloods. Then popcorn with a movie, then Chinese food. Later as the kids left and our youngest; Hannah, spent time with her friends it to turned into, Wine time! our feet up, a movie on and 2 glasses of wine…and one really good night’s rest. Saturdays, we tried to sleep late, but that didn’t work for two early risers. Sunday, church then time alone before dinner. Mondays were marriage building nights. Sometimes we talked, take a walk, sometimes we read a book together, sometimes we augured, sometime we played a game or did nothing…unless, there was a TV show like The Following on. Tuesday nights, were prayer meeting night…or I’d watched Sharol sleep and snore… Once a month on Mondays, was DateNight. It was the only day she didn’t have to work late, until she did then we moved it back to Saturdays then back again. Because of busy schedules and allowing our lives to become hectic we did what many couples do…schedule time to love(nothing more needs to be said).  So, as you can see, dear reader; that empty space in my life where my wife use to occupy, is really a massive void! A vacuum! I have been living a joined life then all of a sudden, a tectonic shift! It’s not just an empty bed, no more kisses and hugs, no one to talk to, no more dates, no one to appreciate  my cooking, it’s ALL of that and more. An earthquake changes everything…the landscape, the ocean level, the geography, etc.

So before you question my sanity as to why I would be looking at dating sites, think about the many routines in my life that have been yanked from under my feet and tossed to the other side of the world.

Surf & Turf

Coney Island July 30, 2014

I haven’t thought about remarrying, I mean really, it would be the 3rd time…I’m honestly thinking my luck really sucks.  I haven’t had casual sex in nearly 30 years. I’ve been a husband twice…It’s highly doubtful I can change and go back to living that kind of life. but… a 3rd time? At this point I just want to have an adult conversation with someone who understands. Understands the music, political and TV references. Understands, that when a Prince song comes on, everything stops! and we must sing it together. Oh, dear reader, there is so much more…

Recently I wrote about going without my wedding rings on…well, a couple a times a week. Now, I go the whole work week then (psst don’t tell anybody) I put them on at night to sleep. Weird right? Nope, not at all. I found this woman’s article today while riding home  on the train . It appears there is no right or wrong way to greive/move forward. It’s all about what you are comfortable with. I choose to wear Sharol’s rings and for the moment put mine’s on at home. I guess it makes me feel close to her, just last week I started sleeping with 2 pillows behind me so that there’s something there when I turn. Which is where my wife would be all the time. Tuesday night I tripped over Sharol’s sandal, why your shoes always in the way?!  I thought then I laughed. It’s what I’d usually say followed by something like this ‘You trying to kill me? I’m too old to be falling”. 

Last month in one of my blue periods I was looking up something, I can’t remember what, but I stumbled onto this Marvin Sapp talking about embracing his singleness. The freedom to do his ministry with nothing between him and God. And bringing someone into his chaotic world. That person would have to fit in it comfortably. I started thinking about my own ministry, my writing. He’s absolutely right!  Paul said he wished everybody could be single BUT if you couldn’t, get married. it was better to do that than burn with passion… and here’s the rub, a husband’s first love is Christ but he will always be divided. Because he must care for his…wait for it…Wife. Yep, I get Marvin Sapp’s idea about freedom. Though I must admit, I ain’t exactly “embracing singleness”….but the ministry focus part, without hindrance. Yeah, I could see me spending a little focus time on my craft.

Sharol may not have always been the romantic part of this duel. One thing is for sure, she’s gonna be one heck of a tough act to follow.    Until next time…